Nude Zealand

"Oh I see. You were driving along with no clothes, without a licence, above the speed limit and the boats flew off......."

Yep! That just about sums up our Nude Zealand road trip. 

We left Queenstown with aplomb. Naked, hanging out the windows, waving goodbye to one of the greatest cities, via a drive-through for an order of small fries. 

Zipping along Jen commented on how easy B's car was to speed in. At prescisly that moment a cop on the opposite side of the road turned on his lights, sped towards us, did a u turn and closed in. With both lights and siren now on he followed us for a full 2 or 3 minutes until we thought that perhaps it was us he was after. Clearly fed up after the most boring chase ever (also probably in the opposite direction to his pie and beer), bad cop was not in the mood for joviality when we finally pulled over. Sadly (or probably a good thing in this case), we were fully clothed at this point. 

In the process of trying to issue us with a speeding ticket, it was discovered that Jen's licence had in fact expired. So not only were we speeding, but driving totally illegally. A good start to our 3 day road trip. And so began my stint at the wheel.....

Day two and a fresh start - the aim being not to cause more trouble. We did however, continue our nude campaign, stopping at beauty spots to take in the view and frolick about with some unfortunate props B had left in our care. Japanese tourists will go home with a slightly different version of New Zealand sights.  

(I've tried my best to cover my modesty using every filter under the sun but this will have to do)

Zipping along within the speed limit this time,  a shocking noise woke the girls from their sleep whilst I watched in horror as our kayaks exited the roof and hurtled towards the traffic behind us in the rear view mirror. Time slowed down as carnage unraveled in our wake. Pulling over, category A swear words were soon replaced with a call for clothes. In the melee, I managed to get myself dressed over the top of my seatbelt so was now fully attached to the car. Unlike our belongings. 

In the mean time, the campervan behind us dragged one kayak beneath his front bumper for about 200m. He then ditched the boat and drove off, leaving attractive green plastic skid marks down the road. Dodging cars we scrambled our explosion of kit and found the culprit of this whole calamity in the verge - our roof rack. 

Faced with two creek boats, paddles, a roof rack, all our paddling and camping gear we then had the option of leaving one person with the kit by the road whilst the others went to fix the racks or....... piling everything into the car including three girls and driving until we found help. So with two of us now crammed in a hole in the boot beneath two creek boats, paddling gear and camping paraphanelia we drove to the nearest handy man who kindly reattached our racks, so to speak. 

Lesson learnt. Being nude in an emergency situation is not ideal. 

Hello sailor

Would you put me in charge of a million pound 53ft sailing catamaran?

My most short lived job ever

Living at Okere Falls, i managed to score a little wench work onboard a very swanky 53ft cruise catamaran on Lake Rotoiti. My first day consisted of preparing and serving food, manning the bar, throwing the odd rope, washing the decks, heaving ho and all that. 

So it came as a surprise on day two to be asked to hold onto the steering wheel for a moment. Never one to turn down a good adventure I eagerly accepted, presuming that I was just holding fort whilst Lu (top karaoke chum and skipper) tied her shoelace. 

However, as the instructions went on, it transpired that I was to hold on until as far as I could see on the horizon, through a gap with overhead wires and other obstacles. I was assured we wouldn't get that far as Lu slowed our speed right down for my first go. Keep right, except over there by that tree. Dont go near that tree. That's the edge of the lake.  Keep right of those bouys. Go left if a speedboat approaches. But stay where we are if they look like they'll move. Just go straight. 

As nautical as I am, I have never actually steered a boat with a steering wheel before, let alone a 53ft million pound catamaran. As soon as Lu left me I realised I didn't know which way to turn the wheel. I started to think about rudders and whizzed the wheel around to the left, feeling like the boss. The boat veered left, I tried whizzing the wheel back to the right. Not much happened- it reminded me of driving mum's Lada, so I went left again, enjoying the breeze in my hair. Then right a bit. Then I got lost. 

At this point, my debut skippering experience came to an abrupt end. As the boat veered dramatically to the left, Lu ran back to take control a mere 2 minutes into my captaincy. We suspected that I had managed to run over the line of buoys; the ones I was supposed to steer well clear of. We reversed and made a proper job of it, fully running over the bouy. Lu offered to jump in and untangle our prop (presumably this is the point at which a better wench would have stripped down and sacrificed herself) but I was saved by Tuck, our aptly named hero who dived overboard and wrestled with the bouy of similar build and size to himself until we were free. 

The cruise continued along a similar crash course as later on one of our engines failed so we couldn't dock at the pier. Instead we beached ourselves and I entertained whilst Lu disappeared below deck with a hammer and mallet.  When the hammer and mallet failed, we had to wave a passing speedboat down to give us a tow so our bow was facing in the right direction. 

All the while I cheerfully chipped along under the impression that this was an average day in the life of a sailor ship mate. Only later when I recount the tale and watch peoples jaws drop, do I realise this wasn't a typical outing. I never was asked back. And I'm only posting this now that I have safely left the country. 

But like JB said to me, "always funnier to do something like that than get another day's work". Nice way of looking at it. 

Drop the dead dog

Tomohon, Sulawesi - the town where no matter what time you get in, your dinner IS the dog. 

We witnessed the end of the market where a few of the least choice cuts were left behind. We purposefully avoided the morning market where dogs are bludgeoned to death then roasted. Along with cats, bats and snakes. Not our cup of tea. 

We also decided against staying too long in Tomohon, fearing dog pie for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Instead we took a more light hearted jaunt to the spice islands where just cloves and cinnamon are on the menu. 

Say cheese! 

Sulawesi, Jan 2016

Bunaken island

Even more incredible coral with steep wall drop offs and visibility of 20-30m. A living aquarium. Snorkelling every day whilst Sally dives. Planned to stay for 2 days, ended up staying for 7. So relaxed, easy island life! Stayed in private beach huts with all meals included for £10 a day and I would say the coral and visibility is comparable to the Maldives. Our house reef was a short swim from our huts. We also got on the dive boat most days to check out the other reefs around the island. 

Mask faces! 

Going down.....

Vera and Lea jumping

Picking up more waifs and strays following a snorkel excursion 

Lembeh island 

World famous for muck diving - all the weird critters and bottom dwellers in the ocean. Not known for its snorkelling, I actually found it kept me entertained whilst Sally was diving. I could swim down to 5 or 6m with a weight belt where the water was still crystal clear and got to see some weird shit. Most of the weirder things live deeper in the sediment around 20m which is more than my ears can cope with. The island is completely rugged volcanic covered in palms and banana trees just like the opening scenes of King Kong. 

View from our beach huts

Crazy blue fish! 

Our bay 

Spot the stone (or is it a scorpion?) fish!

Colourful moray eel

Lion fish

A sweaty hike up the hill behind our huts

Beautiful anenome

Tangkoko national park 

North Sulawesi is only place to find the endemic black crested macaque famous for this selfie...

.... http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/picturegalleries/earth/11021255/David-Slaters-monkey-selfie-photoshoot-the-unseen-pictures.html

We set off in pitch black at 4am in order to glimpse the tarsiers coming home to their sleeping tree for the day. Tarsiers are the World's smallest monkey - they can fit in the palm of your hand! However, a torrential tropical downpour meant that the tarsiers hid in the upper branches instead of coming home. We managed to see one with his huge eyes very briefly. The most incredible thing was to hear the jungle coming alive around 5am as daylight made its way through the canopy. 

This was all we could see from 4-5am

We did, however, get a good amount of time watching the macaques sliding down trees to gather on the ground. The younger ones chased each other, but mostly they huddled in the rain just like us! 

Apparently we saw a sun bear but for all I know it is a black blob high up in the branches. We also saw two hornbills. 

We are smothered from head to toe in mosquito repellent which hopefully also keeps the mites that are attracted to warm bits including armpits and crotch away. Not a pleasant itch. 

Tomohon - 

Famous for its macabre meat market. In the morning, everything is alive - cats, dogs, snakes, bats. By the afternoon all have been bludgoned and barbequed and still not a pretty sight. Hearing the dogs whimpering in a cage is heart breaking but it's just a way of life here. 

Bats and a dose of Ebola anyone? 

Python

A dangerous spot to take a nap!

Ternate - part of Maluku. One of the ex Dutch spice islands. 

The island is an active volcano. Touring by motorbike we scoot past cloves out drying in the sun. The entire place is filled with smell of cloves, cinnamon and nutmeg. We were sadly unable to find any museum or even a leaflet on the spice trade which made this island rich. It is a real off the beaten track destination with severe lack of anything useful for visitors. Hard work but fun. 

This is one of many man made channels designed to take the lava flow from the active volcano to the sea, avoiding houses. 

EVERYWHERE we go in Sulawesi (in Borneo also), we have celebrity status. Everyone wants their photo with you and I can only presume it is because white people are a rare sight. Everyone is also incredibly friendly with massive smiles and shrieks of 'hello mister'.

Sally and the lava rocks 

Mikrolets are small mini vans which act as taxi/bus. For 30p you can get from one end of the island to the other (about 40 minutes). They zip along with their open door air con facility. 

 In town we discover pancakes filled with chocolate sprinkles (a staple of the diet here), condensed milk, chopped nuts and cheese. Yum! 

Maluku within Indonesia's ring of fire is mostly made up of volcanoes. 

Cloves as they are picked from the tree. At our homestay one evening we help to sort the cloves. You grab a bunch and snap them off their stalks by pushing them into the palm of your hand. They make a satisfying noise and hours of entertainment! They are then left out in the sun for three days to dry and turn black as we know them. 

A long night ahead! 

Bond girl in Bunaken

Two days turned into seven on the island paradise of Bunaken in Sulawesi. Snorkelling and diving every day in crystal clear warm waters. Like swimming in an aquarium - Incredible corals and fish by the zillion. On one swim off our beach we counted 12 turtles, one shark and one large ray. 

There exists, however, the meany Crown of Thorns starfish which destroys all coral in its path. So Andy, our crazy German uncle friend, made a plan which we duly carried out. Six of us swam in formation, military fashion, sweeping for starfish. Strapping his dive knife to my leg and christening me Bond girl, it was my job to dive down with the knife and grapple with said starfish, balance it back to the surface where Sally would be waiting with our net (we made do with a pink bin). 

Reflecting upon our success that evening, Andy chuckled to himself, 'Ah Bond girl. So funny. So dangerous!' Adding 'maybe if you lose 5......no, 7 lbs, then Bond girl'. The German charm and sense of humour never fails. 

Bond girl 

Andy ceremoniously burying the starfish

Borneo (Kalimantan) Jan 2016

This is the point at which me and Eti went exploring on our own. And we were pretty much the only white people around. 

First up we headed to Tanjung Puting national park and Camp Leakey orangutan research and rehabilitation centre - 

This involved 4 days spent living on a boat travelling up the Sekonyer river, in Central Kalimantan. The river changed from chocolate brown to clear, black peat water in the trib up to Camp Leakey. We spotted crocodiles and loads of the endemic Proboscis monkeys on the way, plus a heavily snoozing wild orangutan. 

We slept on board the boat on mattresses on the floor covered by a mosquito net. We had a table for  candle lit dinners and listened to the rain, monkeys and birds all night long. Showers took place in natural pools in the jungle. 

Our first up close orangutan encounter is with Siswi who meets us at the jetty at Camp Leakey. She is known as the receptionist and is famous in her own right. She idles up to our boat and plonks herself down gesturing for food. She is very gentle, seems super intelligent, and her beautiful eyes looks right into you. We head into the jungle with Siswi to the feeding station where we come across 30-40 more orangutans!  They come voluntarily when food in the forest is not enough (rainy season brings more fruit but rains have been delayed this year). We come back to the boat to discover that Percy orangutan has raided the boat of potatoes and bananas. 

At another station, we meet Kai Khong who lies in wait at the banana hut rather than head to the feeding station where there is a larger alpha male. He walks with us all the way occasionally sitting down and turning round to face us. 

Chugging up river in the evening

Siswi turning on the charm

And picking nits

Mahe our driver, and Siswi

The big one - Kai Khong

Hanging out on the jetty hunting snakes

Evening time on board our klotok boat 

Meratus mountain 3 day jungle trek

Hot, humid! Within the first few metres I spot a leopard running across our path. The jungle is so thick our guide has to cut a way through with his machete for most of the route. When the track seemingly comes to a foresty dead end at the top of steep drop offs, we climb down lianas and massive tree trunks to continue. We fill our backpacks with mangos along the way. We stay at mamas house in the Dayak village for the night. She sets us up with a foam mattress, dinner around the kitchen fire, and both toilet and shower take place in the river (one upstream, one downstream!). Mamma chews berries that make her teeth and mouth bright red like blood. 

We come across longhouse villages of the Dayak tribes. The Dayaks are some of worlds fiercest head-hunters and still maintain some traditional ways. Longhouses are all on stilts which were a measure of protection against rival maraudering head hunters. Head hunting was a well organised sortie with hundreds of warriors carrying out a stealth mission attack on another longhouse during the night. 

An interesting book documenting a 15 month trek across Borneo describes how once a head had been retrieved, it was brought back to the longhouse where it's spirit was forced to help out. To ensure that the spirit would readjust to its fate, the skull was honoured and treated to offerings of food, drink and tobacco. Chopped heads were a crucial unit of spiritual power; ensuring good crops, warding off disease, and generally thought to bring success to a village. Heads were also used in marriage and funeral rituals. 

One longhouse we are allowed in accommodates 46 families. There is one large communal space in the centre with a large spiritual construction at the heart. There are 46 doors leading to small rooms around the outside of the communal area. One family per room. Sometimes the children sleep together in the communal area. Presumably rumpy pumpy is kept to a minmum or at least to rooms with well oiled floorboards. 

Plenty of river crossings over suspension bridges. This one was in better condition than most! 

Dinner with the family at mamma's house 

Jerry, Eti, me, mamma

A typical scramble through crazy amounts of bamboo

All you can eat mangos! 

A massive longhouse

The spiritual centrepiece 

Eti (or is it Siswi) having a wash

My thick bush

Slip n slide down the trees

Jungle bath

Eti weilding Jerry's machete

Our easy ride home! This mode of transport is still used for goods and they even sell the bamboo that makes up the raft once at their destination

Derawan island

Our final days together were spent snorkelling every day with turtles who lived beneath our huts on stilts in the sea. An extremely cheap version of the Maldives! 

The ups and downs of a Muslim nation - no booze on New Year's Eve but no hangover on New Year's Day 

Stingless jellyfish in Kakaban lake

Moray eel